nightsmistress' Journal

11:34PM

Wow, well that sure throws a wrench in everything...

What to do, what to do.

9:48PM

I'm sick of the other women in the world ruining the reputation of women who are actually worth a damn.

Just so you know men...

I don't care how big your muscles are. The only reason I would find that more attractive and date worthy is because you would remind me of my father. And there is a very small percentage of people in the world who would actually come close to that. So no, the fact that you have lifted a bunch of heavy, metal objects does not make me cream my panties.

I want some sort of intelligence. A while ago I decided that, preferably, I would have someone with at least a masters degree rather than any lower education for two main reasons. One, it shows their ability to withstand hours of torture with a subject you may not want to deal with. That they can make it six years through struggling and fighting for something that is worth it yet not easily attained. I say this because I generally throw some hoops out their for men to jump through since my personal wall is about as thick as the distance from here to the sun. You gotta be able to realize the worth in what you are working for. Second,if you can withstand the money paid for school I'll be a breeze. I'm not expensive, however I'm not cheap.

Also yes, I have my issues. I deal with them and if you choose so you will too. I promise I'm worth it.

No one will find someone as willing to love and care as much as I do. I will voluntarily go to the ends of the earth for you... Whoever you are.

Another thing...strip clubs. I get the whole male bonding thing. I do. But if you are with me you will always let me know when a strip club may be in plans. Never expect me to understand it because I should be the only live action naked female body you see, but I understand my intelligence is higher than yours. If you lie to me it's over. If you expect me to deal with it forever you are wrong. I am enough woman for you. Get that straight now. You are most likely a twenty something man with ridiculous thoughts... that will change.

I don't care what kind of car you have and I really don't care to listen to anything about it.
Gaming...I don't care if you do it but don't expect me to understand it fully. Try if you must, but don't make me do it.
If I don't wear make up and dress in sweat pants be happy I'm that comfortable with you. Don't tell me I should do something with myself.
Please don't ever wear girl pants. I don't care to see your jean covered nuts. Mystery is key.




This was saved in my auto drafts and I had forgotten all about it. I find I still think the same way.


Also I'm bored at home a little drunk. Woo!

1:26PM

drunk dialing...check
drunk texting...check

and a new low???

Drunk emailing.

Really? WTF who does that?

3:03AM

If you're a bird I'm a bird too.

2:50AM

I wish every little fucker that I date out there wouldn't say after we break up that I was too sweet for them and that I deserve better.

It is the most infuriating thing.

Who are you to decide what I deserve? And why would you be upset if someone were sweet to you?

Sometimes I really dislike people. Like really, really dislike them.

And I can't sleep because I didn't even get home from work the other night until 5am. I'm wide awake right now.

2:24AM

third day of lent and I gave up smoking and drank tonight.


...the things I do with a broken heart.

1:00AM

So tell me...

If someone drives you home from a bar when you are drunk.
Stays at your place that night and cuddles.
Wakes up in the morning and goes grocery shopping to make you breakfast.
Makes breakfast and cleans up your already dirty kitchen.
And helps you in any and every way possible...

Wouldn't this person be someone you wanted to be with?

If you call this person before anyone else...

Ugh. It's all so frustrating.

Get over your shit already.

In other news, will someone please tell Kanye West he sucks live and is a horrible artist. I cannot stand him

11:58PM

I miss you.
I love you.
I want you.

Every time I see you I still get butterflies in my stomach.
I get excited when you enter a room.
I want to talk to you when I'm happy and when I'm sad. I want to talk to you about nothing and everything in the world.

And you leave me here in this middle. You know it hurts me. I should let go but I can't. My love for you is too strong. My commitment to you is everlasting. I'm scared of never talking to you. I'm scared of not having you in my life because it is so nice with you in it.

And yes, the radio still haunts me with songs that make me think of you. Everything does that though. I can't hate the radio or I would have to hate everything.

2:25AM

Every time I watch Shopgirl a little part of my heart grows.

And every time I think of all my Ray Porters it shrinks back down to it's normal less than average size.

But then there is always the hope of a future Jeremy. And I know that someday my heart will feel so big it will explode. Just not quite yet.













Oh, and go Steelers!!!!!

2:23PM

Holy crap I am acting like a middle schooler over this boy.

Patrick is awesome. So freaking awesome

I don't laugh as much as I do when I'm talking with him.

AND he's very attractive. so so good.

5:26AM

What do you do when you don't like who you are anymore? When you just want to get up and leave and never come back? Do you do it or wait for things to get better?

What do you do when you hate the skin you're in? When every time you look in the mirror you wish you were someone else?

What do you do when you just want someone to give a damn? When just a mom and grandparents isn't enough. When you want to feel loved by someone who doesn't have to. What happens then?

What happens when you think about what it would be like if you didn't exist? Would anyone notice? Would anyone one care besides three people and work?

These are the things that I think about all the time.

Sometimes you just feel so alone.

7:00PM

After a crap beginning to this year, much thought and self medication has proved to be beneficial.

I'm reading a lot more now. I went to buy more books and the nerdy guys who work at Borders just about jizzed themselves helping Laine and me. Twas funny indeed.

I won the tie in trivia because of my ability to chug. Yes, yes.

School starts tomorrow and I'm super excited. I'm getting bored without it. It's time to be busy all the time again.

I'm doing my best to keep happy and positive right now. We'll see how that goes.

Edit:

The spell check for twas was twats. That's fucking hilarious.

12:12AM

I wish I could just move away and start a new life.

Too much crap right now and not enough shovels to dispose of it all.

Life has been exhausting.

2:40AM

Sort of drunk
sort of confident
sort of lonely




what it comes to is that
A. I would do anything in the world for you. Whether it be everything or leave now with nothing
B. i was asked out on a date this saturday and I'm going because I'm not going to wait
or

C. I sit here waiting and sad

you tell me....

if not B is happening whether you like it or not.

9:56AM - singularity

I can't believe I did it. Maybe I am growing up and making good decisions.

what now?

Now, I live through.

11:17AM - Therapy has already told me all of this...

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Doris!

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

11:19PM

Life is good.

Have I mentioned how much I absolutely love my honey.

Absolutely love.




Oh yeah, and I may or may not have accidentally gotten undressed down to my undies and jumped into a pool this past saturday.




....whoops

2:22AM

I'm sitting here with your shirt smelling of you, though you aren't here to fill it, and crying.

The one person I want to talk to and hear say, 'it'll all be okay' isn't here to tell me.

And won't be here to tell me for a few weeks.

How do these breaks work?
Why did we even agree to do it?
Can't you work things out together?

Apparently it hasn't worked and we both need time to think and reflect.

It's only been four hours and I miss you. I don't want to be in this situation.

It wasn't angry or even a fight. We just talked about it. I really don't know how to go two weeks without talking to my best friend.

At least we left with I love yous.

2:19PM

I'm not sure what is happening.

It's something big.

A change maybe.




My feelings are hurt and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.

10:13AM

I met by far the most obnoxious person I have ever come in contact with last night.

She was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

She said, "I really like the 'Raaahhhhrrrr' kind of music"
and then proceeded to say how some of her favorite bands were At the drive in, Modest Mouse and Bright Eyes.
Seriously? Nothing about any of those bands is raaahhhhrrr

Then she talked about how it was impossible to quit smoking. I said no, it isn't. I did it. And then went on this whole thing about how she couldn't and blah blah blah. I told her she only couldn't if she didn't want to and that if she was genuinely trying and failing all the time she was weak.

Ok, so maybe I'm a cunt sometimes...

She also has a husband and kept full on staring at Wes the entire night and talking about how badly she wanted him.

Go home and listen to your emo you skank.

Besides her, the night was very fun.
Having Petey sing the entire Meatloaf song I'd do anything for love was epic.
Him getting applause from half the bar was even better.

Yes, last night was fun and you should all be jealous.
All two of you.